Christmas: The Classics

I have to say, although I always enjoy the plethora of Lifetime movies that have slightly different plot twists but always revolve around the central thematic statement "If you're good, Santa will bring you a reasonably good-looking man for Christmas", in general, modern Christmas specials suck.

They really do. This year I have seen variations on A Christmas Carol starring both Tom Arnold and Cicely Tyson and neither of them even deserved to be in the same room as the 1984 version starring George C. Scott. If you haven't seen it, do. It's the same old story you know by heart, but the end still manages to scare the bejesus out of me every time. Even the normally jolly Ghost of Christmas Present is completely freaky in this version. Wow.

I think that A Christmas Carol may be the only one on my list of classics not produced by Rankin/Bass. I am not sure why they cornered the market on awesome holiday specials, but they did it really well. Gentlemen, I salute you!

Then there is the wonderful world of claymation. I remember one year, right after we got cable, for some reason the cable stations weren't showing Rudolph. I know, right?? So my dad actually dismantled our cable and jury-rigged up an antenna so we could watch Rudolph and Frosty. There is nothing on TV these days that would inspire something like that. Christmas just isn't Christmas until you know how much Herbie wants to be a dentist :)

But Rudolph is just the tip of the iceberg of claymation. There's The Year Without A Santa Claus, where Mickey Rooney as Kris Kringle decides to go on vacation this year instead of delivering toys. Two elves, Vixen and two children have to go and rekindle the Christmas spirit in Southtown, USA (generic enough for you?). This is another oft-repeated theme in today's Christmas specials but they don't get it right. For one thing, they do not include the Heat Miser and his brother the Cold Miser, children of Mother Nature. For some reason, and I've forgotten why, they are against the children/elves/reindeer getting to Southtown. They create an "obstacle" that essentially involves them singing and dancing, which is awesome.

Frosty the snowman is another classic that must be watched every year. I have seen several newer versions and they just aren't as good as the 1969 Rankin/Bass version narrated by Jimmy Durante. Firstly, Frosty isn't Frosty unless his first words are "Happy Birthday". I don't know why, that is just the way it is. Secondly, I love that Santa in this version is like a totally macho version of Santa Claus. You can just tell, he's a bad ass mother who don't take no crap off of nobody (bonus points if you can name the winter-themed movie that line is from). He has no qualms about assigning Professor Hinkle lines "one hundred zillion times" and even then the furthest he's willing to go on the issue of toys vs coal is a solid maybe. Ahh, back in the day when men were men, and elves were dentists :)

And of course, there's the Grinch. I actually like the Jim Carrey movie, I think that since Boris Karloff is dead, Jim Carrey is the next logical choice. That being said, Jim Carrey, you are no Boris Karloff. And the Whos are just better suited to animation than live action. Plus the dog is completely awesome. And the cheesy mirror animation with "the grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day". As for any other versions, the three words that best describe them are as follows, and I quote. Stink, stank, stunk!!!!

Now we get to my personal favorites that no one else has ever heard of. There is an awesome version of "Twas the Night Before Christmas" that came out in 1974, also by Rankin/Bass (see I told you, I think they were the only people producing Christmas specials in the 1960's/70's). It tells the story of a human clockmaker named Joshua and the mouse family that lives in his house. Unfortunately the mouse son, Albert, writes a snotty insulting letter to Santa Claus which causes him to become upset and strike the entire town from his delivery route. Joshua comes up with the idea of building a clock to sing to Santa as he flies over, but unfortunately Albert destroys it while trying to figure out how it works. Albert then learns his lesson through some touching song and dance numbers, including my favorite "Even A Miracle Needs A Hand". He is then able to fix the clock at the eleventh hour and saves Christmas. It is awesome in the extreme.

My other favorite, and possibly the best Christmas special ever, is John Denver and the Muppets A Christmas Together, originally aired in 1979. It has all the fun you would expect from the Muppets and all the cheesiness you would expect from John Denver and the 70's in general. And it has Jim Henson as the voice of Kermit, which is how Kermit is supposed to sound. New Kermit is kind of like New Coke, it's OK but I really prefer the Classic version. The best part is John Denver clearly walking on a sound stage in cheesy fake snow in front of a cheesy fake movie of woodland animals. Oh, and Miss Piggy totally comes on to him, which is hilarious. This is the lone special on this list that has yet to be released on DVD, and it almost never shows on TV so I am reduced to an old VHS copy I have from sometime in the early 90's. If anyone knows where I can get a better copy please let me know!

I am sure I have left some off this list, I just felt the need to vent about how much today's Christmas specials suck compared to the old classics! Tune in next time for a review of the first of Lifetime's "If you're good, Santa will bring you a reasonably good looking man" specials! :)